Don't worry, be happy

I know I haven't posted in a really long time, but today I'd like to share a little story.

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Once upon a time there were two brothers. They may have started life the same, but by the time they were adults, they shared only one thing: a dream of finding gold in the mountains in which they lived.

Every morning as the sun touched the tops of the pine trees they got up and carried their tools up the mountain. They dug deep into the earth. They drove their picks into the stone. They panned the water for signs of the treasure waiting upstream.

Jonas enjoyed the feel of dirt between his fingers. He enjoyed the smell of it, and the fresh air around him. He listened to the song of the birds and watched for deer making their way silently through the trees. He enjoyed swinging his pick and he loved the feel of the cold water flowing over his hands.

Thomas set his mind only to the digging, the picking, the panning. He didn't notice much of what went on around him.

As the sun slid below the horizon, Jonas made his way home where his family was waiting. His wife kissed him and asked him how his day went. "Nothing yet," he smiled. "Maybe tomorrow." After dinner, he read aloud until the children were asleep, then he and his wife would sit quietly watching the fire burn to embers.

Thomas went home to an empty cottage. He had never had time for courting. Maybe once he was a successful prospector, he would find a wife and build a family, he told himself.

Day after day followed the same pattern. Days turned into weeks; weeks into months; months into years.

Until one day, they both struck gold. Jonas was delighted and ran home to tell his wife, clutching a chunk of the metal to his chest.

Thomas too was delighted and clutched a chunk of the precious gold to his chest. And he realized that for the first time in his life, he was happy.

Life, vicariously

The other day I was talking at work about chocolate (which is becoming more and more common) and one of my compassionate colleagues offered to eat chocolate and tell me about it. Funnily enough, my husband has invented a creature called a Sense Monkey who does the same thing.

Unrelatedly, one of my favourite songwriters was blogging about marrying someone with an advanced work ethic and the fact he wasn't impressed with her industriousness when she managed to both make the bed AND buy the entire series of Grey's Anatomy on DVD in a single day.

So with both of those things in my head, and fantasising (while driving out near Lamorna Cove) about living in the country and also not ever having to leave home, it occurred to me:

The point of artists must be to live life fully and then tell the rest of us how it was.

Are you paying too much for ...... customer service?!?

This will be a relatively short one.

I'm concerned about a growing trend with UK companies. I don't know if this has caught on in the US yet; I certainly hope not.

More and more service companies are switching their toll-free support numbers to premium numbers. These can cost from a under a pound per minute to several pounds.

I'm not naive. I know that there are costs associated with providing customer service. This and other business expenses are normally spread amongst the entire customer base when providers set their fees. So I do know that these costs are ultimately borne by the consumer.

I also understand the benefits of apportioning certain costs only to the customers who use them. For instance, cell phone providers routinely let you choose between paying a set rate for texts, or only paying for the texts you send. I can see why businesses would like to remove every cost possible from their normal running expenses - because then they can advertise a lower rate.

But in this case, the overwhelming reason *against* such premium numbers is that ultimately there is no impetus for businesses to improve their products and services to reduce the consumer's reliance on phone support.

Our phone and internet provider, Toucan, is the most recent we've noticed to move away from toll-free support. Their rates did not reduce, but when our internet went out, we had to pay to phone them - twice - only to find out that the problem was at their end. An exchange had blown. I fail to understand why we had to pay to find out they had technical issues.

It's a problem I've encountered frequently since moving to the UK. UK companies seem to have no sense of customer service. Waitstaff are surly and inattentive, shop assistants seem as though they would rather you shop elsewhere, and the big companies, well, just don't get me started on the big companies. The fact that UK concerns feel it is appropriate to charge customers for the shortcomings of the business just follows on from that.

So if you are shopping for a service provider in the UK, be sure to factor in potential support calls into the cost of doing business with a company. Because if companies won't listen to their customers over the phone, perhaps they will listen to their plummeting sales.

In case companies don't catch on, I would like to do them one better. From now on, I would only like to pay for the portion of their advertising budget I use.

What Women Want

or ... the problem with boys.

For those of you (men) who haven't figured it out yet, please let me explain to you the phases of a relationship.

Phase One: The Education
[lasts from first date through Honeymoon]

The Education Phase is quite simply those months or years of a relationship in which the female shows the male how she wishes to be treated within the relationship long-term. She will often demonstrate the correct preparation of meals, cleaning schedules, and apportioned independence (in the form of "boys' nights out"). Sometimes the male, keen to impress the female, will offer to participate in some of these activities. It is important to take careful note of the female's response, often along the lines of, "Don't worry, honey, I like doing things for you."

Phase Two: The Transition
[lasts from the end of the Honeymoon until the female gets too frustrated to continue]

During this second phase, the female initiates the reversal of the relationship. Signals are given to the man subtly, at first, by asking or suggesting the occasional reversal, for instance, "I've had a really rough day, honey, would you mind heating something up for dinner?" Latitude is granted, as the female knows the man has, until this point, only been observing the desired behavior. However, in line with the "see, do, teach" formula, it is important to gradually increase the opportunities for the man to do things. Only through practice will the man achieve competence in these activities, and in early stages may require supervision and gentle correction. In time the male will be capable of carrying them out without assistance. The female may also begin to exercise her apportioned independence ("girls' nights out" or "pedicures").

Other techniques for initiating the reversal include: assigning chores, trading/withholding sexual favors, and nagging. No studies have confirmed the efficacy of any of these techniques.

Phase Three: Full Reversal
[length of phase varies]

During the third phase, the role reversal completes and the male has been fully trained to treat the female in the appropriate manner. He now seeks domestic duties and, should the female offer to help, the reply is along the lines of "Don't bother yourself, sweetie, you know I like making you dinner. Here's a glass of wine, why don't you go have a nice hot bath?" Whilst less perceptive males would at this point be wondering why the female has become surly, dinners less elaborate and the house less clean, and why the relationship seems to be in a tailspin, the male who has reached Phase Three is content in the knowledge that he has been properly trained to be in the relationship, and is confident that he is doing a good job.

Ideally, Phase Three is of equal length to Phase One. This can vary, however, depending on how smoothly Phase Two progresses. If Phase Two must be repeatedly extended due to the male's resistance to or failure to understand the reversal signals, this is tantamount to the continuation of Phase One. But, theoretically, at least, Phase Three would have a terminus, at which point the relationship moves naturally into Phase Four.

Phase Four: Equilibrium
[you didn't think there would be a phase four, did you?]

In Phase Four, the male has proven himself fully capable of treating the female in the ways he was shown. This qualifies him for promotion, to use a business analogy. Throughout Phase Four, equilibrium is reached through the female resuming some of the activities from Phase One while the male continues all other activities from Phase Three. An organic give-and-take ensues until both the male and the female are sharing the activities equally and without artificial rotas, schedules, gender-based assumptions or "understandings."

Phase Four, in theory, carries on until the death of one or both of the parties. The sad fact is that few relationships survive Phase Two. The most widely accepted theory for this is that males in general seem to misinterpret Phase One as a demonstration of the relationship rather than a mirror of Phase Three. This theory is not without its detractors, however no rival theory better explains why many male subjects have been observed to complain, "I don't understand what she wants." This common complaint clearly illustrates that the male has not correctly identified the instructional nature of the female's behavior.

It is my hope, by making these findings available outside obscure research journals, to increase general understanding of the four phases of a relationship and perhaps even increase opportunities to observe Phase Three behavior.

I couldn't say it better myself

http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/06/title/?ei=5070&emc=eta1

Too Cool for School

Lately I have been reading a lot of kids' books. Not exactly intentionally, but because they were around. My husband has a small collection, half a dozen books, no more, from the new Doctor Who series and the tenuously related Invisible Detective series (written by former BBC books editor Justin Richards).

I'm no stranger to children's fiction, and I'm not talking about my formative years. Yes, I read several Madeline L'Engle books when I was 9, and two Narnia books at about the same time, but I quickly graduated to the works of James Herriott, Evelyn Waugh, AJ Cronin.

I've probably read more children's books after 30 than before. I've read the Artemis Fowl series, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, the first several Harry Potter books (until they got too big to carry with me on trips, plus frankly the movies are just as good), and even one Lemony Snicket. Okay, now that I think about it, I did read more books as a kid, because I read every Nancy Drew I could lay my hands on! But this post isn't meant as a list of favorites. My point is, or may be, get to know any adult, and you will find either a book they read to their kids that they enjoy at least as much as their children do, or, for those who haven't got kids, children's books which allow them to secretly recapture their youth. It's like going to see the newest Disney movie, and nowadays, there's no shame in it. You don't have to borrow a neighbor child to go.

Why the fascination with children's fiction? It isn't just the fountain of youth, at least not in the traditional sense, that warding off of maturity, old age, and eventually death. It's recapturing the innocence of youth, and the fascination of a world which still offers more possibilities than disenchantment. It's an opportunity to throw off the shackles of our jaded adulthood and dance in a world of magic and imagination, a world which, however scary it might be at times, is always ultimately safe, and good will always win.

You can get that in small amounts in adult fiction, so that is not the only appeal. One thing I noticed with these last books I read, once I started I simply could not stop. I read each of the books in two sittings. It seems that children's fiction is faster-paced than its adult contemporaries, with more suspense. As at least one book proved, this can be accomplished side-by-side with thought-provoking issues. None of the books paled in comparison with more mature offerings, with the grittiness, violence, foul language, and awkward sex scenes (does anyone else wish Dan Brown would end his books earlier?) which seem required of adult fiction. They do tend to be shorter works, so the plots may be less intricate, but I've read less substantial bestsellers.

In case you are curious, the books I have just read are Wooden Heart,The Paranormal Puppet Show, and Shining Darkness. Wooden Heart takes a look at the relationship between a Creator and its Creations, Shining Darkness sheds light on what it means to be human and the unpleasantness and danger of racism, and the Paranormal Puppet Show is just unabashed adventure.

But at the end of the day, I'm an adult at heart, so I am also reading The Zahir by my new favorite author Paulo Coelho (simply the next in a long and illustrious line) and Labyrinth by Kate Mosse. We'll just have to see if they can keep up with the next generation.

The Map is not the Territory

I was corresponding recently with a dear friend. We disagree on everything, but I am very fond of her. I suppose she's like a sister. Anyway, she had expressed some concern that her daughter had not shown any interest in returning to school and getting a degree (she spent a short time in the military after high school and is now in employment). I reassured her that there is nothing like working full-time to inspire an appreciation for academic life.

Later in my letter to her I was ranting (a bit) about the youth in my adopted home town. I live in a depressed area where there is little opportunity for advancement. Employment is predominantly seasonal, low-paid, and requires little education. It is therefore perhaps understandable that the local youth rarely choose to continue their studying, or if they do, it is strictly vocational. Adults appreciate the fact that the pace here is slower than in town. And some may see the lackadaisical attitude as a reflection of that. But I see it as more endemic, indicating a plague of listlessness and hopelessness. There are so few jobs which require one, there is little value placed on getting a university degree. A first in typing is more suitable. And why should you strive for more?

Since sending my email to my friend, I have been concerned that she might have misconstrued my disappointment with the people around me as an indictment of her own daughter who has, for the time being, eschewed education. This is of course not so. Everyone must choose their own path, and if her daughter wants to work and it makes her happy, then that is all I would wish for. Knowing my friend as I do, and knowing her blood flows through her daughter's veins, I fully expect that at some point she will want to do something else, something new, something more challenging. And she will likely look to education to fill the gap. Either she will happen upon a vocation she enjoys but hit a point where she can no longer progress without a degree, or she will decide (as I did, when I decided to learn to program computers) upon a career which requires specific vocational training, or perhaps she will just get bored and begin taking courses out of interest. And I recognize there are lots of ways to become educated - school, private tuition, reading, doing, watching the Discovery Channel. But I don't think for a moment that she will become like the young people I see here - cashing their unemployment cheques and haunting the chippies (in this context, "chippy" does not refer to a young female of questionable morals but rather to a popular enterprise offering fried fish and potato wedges). The ultimate difference, I told myself as I lay awake this morning, petting the cat, was in the need to know, to do, to understand more every day.

This last bit hit me quite deep. I've been working for years now to establish "my purpose" and I have identified many goals which, upon achievement, would give me great satisfaction. For instance, I hope one day to create a planned community which caters to every mental, physical, and spiritual need of the residents, one which does not require limitless wealth to enter, and one which empowers everyone who visits to reconsider their potential. One which boosts everyone up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, you could say. Another goal is to eliminate - or at least try - homelessness amongst domesticated animals. I still hold on to these goals, but without a monstrous reliable income, I'm finding them rather difficult to pursue. In order to attain a goal, you must make one small movement in the right direction on a regular basis. I'm still stuck on number one - save enough money to buy a large piece of land which is appropriate for development. I work in the planning department, so I know all too well how unlikely this is - if I could find land I could afford, I couldn't put so much as a teepee on it, and if I found land I could build on I'd never be able to afford it. To that end my discretionary income wouldn't get me a mortgage on a parking space with a cardboard box on it.

But think about "to know, to do, to understand more each day" as a goal. Doesn't that sound totally do-able? It doesn't take much to know, do or understand more than yesterday. I can do that just by choosing my cable channels more carefully.

So what does that have to do with the title of the blog, you ask? Or maybe you don't ask, but if you're still reading, don't you want to know?

One of the main functions of the human brain is to make connections. Imagine for a moment, you are dropped in the middle of an unfamiliar town and told to find your way to your new home at 123 South Easy Street. You begin to explore, carefully at first. Maybe you establish where south is, and then where the streets switch from being called North to being called South. Then you look at the street names to see if there are any clues - some towns name their streets alphabetically, for instance. You begin to create, in your mind, a map of the town. When you eventually do find 123 South Easy Street, you know how you got there and, if dropped in the same place tomorrow, you will have a much easier time getting home. You haven't created the territory, that was here already, but you have created a map, an image in your mind, to make sense of it. You might even be able to draw a rough sketch of how to get from the middle of town to your house. Not to scale, but with all the turns and landmarks indicated.

But imagine if your brain could not make connections, could not compile and categorise and evaluate new information. You're dropped in the middle of town, and, after wandering for an indefinite period of time, you do find 123 South Easy Street. And tomorrow, you're dropped in the middle of town, and you're no better off than you were yesterday. You haven't learned anything from your experience. NLP'ers have a saying, "the map is not the territory." The map is everything you understand about the world. The territory is the world itself. You can't know anything about the territory unless you have learned something about it, somehow, either through a book, or a news story on TV, or your own or someone else's related experiences. I don't know anything about China, for instance, other than what I've read or been told or seen on TV, because I've never been there. My map is rather sketchy. But I grew up in Oklahoma, and I have a pretty detailed map of the town I grew up in, what different parts of the state are like, what makes the Midwest different from the South, and, because I have spent time on both coasts, what makes Coastal America different from The Heartland. My map is pretty good here. But I'm using the word "map" a bit too literally. It has nothing to do with geography. I like to read about different spiritual systems, what people believe and why. Although I cannot prove that my map is accurate, it is built from information gathered from hundreds of sources (isn't the internet wonderful?) and I have carefully pieced them together like a jigsaw in the hopes that I will be able then to understand the finished picture.

Sometimes, in order to make a new piece fit, I have had to take the scissors and cut the tab off an existing piece (haven't you always wanted to do that?). But only after checking how the two pieces would look together - one doesn't have a picture of a flower and the other waves - and making sure the existing piece works without the tab. It doesn't do any good to put pieces together just because they fit, they have to create a flow from one edge to the other, so that the petal which begins on one piece continues seamlessly onto the next. This is also my map of reality. So too is my study of history in high school, although I will be the first to admit this once healthy piece of fabric is now moth eaten to almost nothing. And literature, and nature, and the personal history of a coworker. This is my map of reality. It will never be exactly the same as anyone else's map of reality (although, the more two people share and agree on ideas and experiences, the more their maps will overlap and the more connected they will feel).

Which also explains why two people can so vehemently disagree about a "fact." We like to say, "you can't have an opinion on a fact." But a fact is rarely a discrete element. We say it is a fact that water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit. But this isn't actually true. Ice will always melt at 32 degrees, but water has to freeze onto something (like the walls of your freezer, or, apparently, a particle of dust or soot or a passing airplane). It spontaneously freezes at -40 degrees Fahrenheit. The freezing point of water also depends on pressure (did you know that water in a vacuum will boil regardless of the temperature?). So there is really no such thing as a "fact." It is just a particle of information which is generally agreed to be true in a certain set of circumstances. If the "fact" is scientific, it has probably been subjected to careful experimentation and, like my water, there may be a great deal of information available on how that "fact" was tested and what factors render it invalid. However, other "facts," like my natural hair color, may never be tested and are, in fact, no more than educated guesses.

So back to my thesis. By knowing, doing, and understanding more than I did yesterday, I add to my map of reality. I increase my understanding of the map. And by doing so, hopefully, I get closer to knowing and understanding the territory.

If you haven't yet found your goal, feel free to borrow mine until you do.